Promise I Can't Keep
by Can't Decode Me
Summary: Three years later Bella is still trying to come to terms with the death of her boyfriend. Sequel to Make Me a Promise
1. Chapter 1

**I'm really glad you all enjoy the first story or prequel to this one! I hope you enjoy this story just as much :)**

**I don't own twilight**

**BPOV**

Chapter One

They say the first year is the hardest because you're still waiting for the routine to start back up again and sadly for me when I returned to Forks, my routine started like nothing had ever happened but there were gaps missing. And no matter what those gaps couldn't be filled by anything. My senior year, my first year without _him_, was difficult. It was hard to stay motivated to go to school and put on a brave face. It was hard to not crawl into a dark hole and stay there forever. The only thing that kept me grounded were the happier times we had together. That's what you're supposed to do: don't linger on their death but on their life. That was another difficult thing to do.

I guess people could tell I just wasn't getting on any better through that first year. The Five Stages of Grief were explained to me many times by a lot of different people. A therapist, school counselors, both my parents and my best friend Angela.

-Stage One: Denial. Every part of you wants to deny it happened and tell yourself to wake up from the nightmare. Denial is only temporary, but sometimes when I get out of bed in the mornings I still fight that feeling that it didn't happen.

-Stage Two: Anger. _It's not fair_ is what is constantly said. _It's not fair_ that he died, _It's not fair_ that I'm the one left alive, _It's not fair_ that he left us all here. When you've come to terms with Denial, anger takes over because you are filled with frustration and envy. Envy is the one I usually felt, and still feel, the most. On my bad days I used to be angry. Angry at God, at Jasper, even at his doctors. How could he just die like that? _It's not fair._

-Stage Three: Bargaining. I still don't to this day understand why this is stage three. I was bargaining from the day I found out. _God please, I'll do _anything _if you just let him stay._ Now that he's gone how am I supposed to bargain? Sure I would give anything to bring him back but it's a lot harder to expect miracles when your loved one is already dead. Some days I bargain in my head, but it only makes things worse for me. _I would give anything for one more day with him. I would give anything to let him hold me one more time._

-Stage Four: Depression. The only way to explain this is: numb. Everything goes blank, everything goes grey. Nothing held satisfaction for me, nothing made me happy. I was, am, consumed with sadness and still feel flashes of anger. Sometimes when I used to get out of the bed I would just think, _what's the point? _I honestly don't think I would've left this stage without Angela.

-Stage Five: Acceptance. This is where I am most days now. I've accepted he's gone and I can get on with most of my days normally. I can say I've come to terms with it and I can say _everything is going to be okay_ and apparently that's all it takes to be in the stage of acceptance. Do I have to mean it? I mean, I mean it but sometimes I wish I could just let go and have one of those days where I don't. I wish I could have one of those days where everything doesn't have to be okay and I can let my mind drift off into happier times when I used to be with him and the thought of our future together was beautiful. Where in our future I was Isabella Marie Whitlock, married to my rockstar husband. I've accepted, though, that that will never happen.

_I need you to promise me that I'm not going to hold you back, that you'll move on. I love you but it kills me to think I'm killing you too._ I hope someday he will forgive me for the promise I can't keep. It's been three years and I haven't moved on but it hasn't killed me yet so why can't I just go on like this? Why do I have to feel so guilty that I lied to him all those years ago? Why did he have to make me promise such a thing?

**I hope you guys enjoyed it! PLEASE let me know what you think and review! It really means a lot. Keep an eye for chapter two its written I just need to read over it to have it posted for tonight. Thank you guys soo much for reading!**

**And before I forget, please follow me on my twitter or my tumblr or blogger (all links on my profile), I really do post sneak peeks of up coming chapters and new stories up on both of them. So please check it out! I love you guys! **


	2. Chapter 2

**I hope you enjoy this :)**

**I don't own twilight**

**BPOV**

Chapter Two

"Come on Bella!" Angela yells through my apartment as she wanders around my living room. I groan in bed, I was having a good dream. The exhibit was open today, I promised Angela I would go. Of course I was excited about Monet as well but I really like sleeping in when I don't have school. She is convinced the line up will be long so she wants to get there at opening. I know though that she just wants to spend an hour just studying one picture.

I dress quickly and brush out my still damp hair from my braid last night while Angela is jumping with excitement. "_Bella_!" she whines. "Please hurry up!"

"Chill out Ang," I smile. "It doesn't even open for another hour. Not many people are nuts like you."

Angela glares at my teasing before smiling and playing with my long hair while I put my shoes on. "I know you get tired of hearing this, but I so wish I could have hair like yours."

Angela's fingers ran through my straight brown hair that stopped just past my mid back and I roll my eyes at her. Angela is beautiful with about shoulder length dark brown hair that curls at the bottom and waves naturally. She hates it but I think she's stunning. I stand and grab my purse so we can head out. "Come Ang. Let's go see Claude."

The art museum was free but the extra exhibits that came in were what made the money. Even though we've been about a thousand times, Angela and I wander through the museum in awe commenting on what we love and what we don't. When we finally get to the exhibit we both pay for a ticket and head in.

Angela breezes through the background of Claude Monet since she did an in depth study of him our junior year for acceptance to an art program in Seattle. Of course she did amazing, her style was almost identical but she made it her own. I follow her to a row of seats set up for artists just like her to sit and ponder the paintings.

I sit next to her with my sketchbook and watch the people. I don't intend to really draw anything but it's just nice to have. Angela sits and does the works with her book and charcoal stick as I just watch her in amazement. My mind soon goes off to an old dangerous place.

It was only a couple weeks into school when Angela got a letter from the art program in Seattle saying she was accepted into the program for that next summer and a particular surprise was they were placing her works into a gallery in Seattle along with their other students because she showed so much promise. Her entrance pieces were in the style of Claude Monet, both her's and my favorite. She could invite as many people as she wanted so the Saturday night Jasper and I made our way to Seattle to look at her gorgeous work.

As we stood in a big group of people we stopped at the first available painting and Jasper wrapped his strong arms around my waist, holding my back to his chest. I held my fingers inches from her painting and moved my fingers with her brush strokes.

"Isn't this beautiful?" I whispered to him.

Jasper chuckled softly into my ear. "Yes it is, but you are gorgeous tonight."

I smiled and blushed, leaning against him. "Stop it Jazz, we're here for Ang."

"Of course," Jasper mocked in a serious tone. "Okay, so wait. Was it Monet or _Ma_net that sleep with their best friend's wife and married her?"

I rolled my eyes as I turned to him and kissed his nose. "That was _Monet_."

"Man, if ran you off Peter I think I'd have to go back to Texas to get my shotgun," Jasper teased before giving me a loving kiss. Angela showed up, breaking us a part with a teasing glare.

"Come on guy! This is supposed _my_ night. Not some date night for you guys to make out. Besides gross, we are in public."

I laughed and gave Angela a hug. "You're right Ang. It is your night, you deserve it. They are freaking beautiful."

"Better," she teased before someone stopped to ask her about her "inspiration".

Jasper took my hand in his and brought me around to to Angela's take on one of Monet's _Water Lilies_. "This one is my favorite. I love the colours here, and I love how much is looks like the lake in Penn's Park. It's almost perfect in Angela's funky way. Do you remember that night in Penn's Park?" He murmured to me.

I blushed and nodded. "How could I forget?"

"Bella what do you think of this?" Angela asks as she shoves her sketch in my face.

I shake my head and rub my eyes, "It's beautiful Angela. I think Monet would've loved you."

She smiles and then touches my cheek with one of her only clean fingers. "Are you okay, Sweetie?"

I nods with a weak smile. "I'm fine, I was just thinking."

We both go quiet for a second before she nods. "Where did you want to go to lunch after this? And just because it's your turn to pay doesn't mean you pick somewhere cheap."

I laugh and shrug, "I'm open to anything. You pick, I'm going to look at the others while you finish this."

I love Angela she knows me perfectly. She knows not to talk about him, or trying to give me pity. She knows I just want to go over it and move on. I don't want to linger. I get up and walk around then I find the one that is one of my favorites. _Camille Monet sur son lit de mort_, it's not the real one, it's a print, but I love the way Monet paints his first wife Camille on her deathbed. It's so blended and blurred together, the colours are plain and complex. Her face emerges from a cloud of white, its ridden with sickness, and yet to me she still looks beautiful.

This is where I take a seat and imitate the way he paints her body in the bed. How she fades in and out peacefully and almost apart of the bed. When I start drawing though, _she_ turns into _he_. His face takes a sketchy form with his signature toque a top his head. When I'm done my edge-y sketch, and map it out I sign my name sloppily, Bella Marie.

"That looks amazing," a booming voice says from behind me.

I turn and see a giant muscular guy behind me. He's probably 6'4", about Jasper's height, and very muscular but he's not big enough to look too scary. I smile politely. "Thank you."

"Are you another one of those art students here?" he asks with a charming smile.

This time I stand to face him and shake my head, "No but my friend is. This is just a small hobby. Are you?"

The guy chuckles and nods. "I can't draw worth crap, my friend dragged me here. He's into this more than I am."

I nod with a smile, "Well at least he has a taste in art."

"Emmett McCarty," he smiles while sticking his hand out.

"Bella Swan, nice to meet you." I introduce same as him.

"Nice to meet you too," he agrees before Angela shows up.

She smiles politely and sticks out her hand. "Angela Weber, pleasure I'm sure," she smiles at Emmett who laughs. "Come on Bella before we miss lunch. I could stay here all day."

I nod and look to Emmett. "It was nice meeting you. Study the _Water lilies_ even a person who can't draw can appreciate them."

Angela pulls me away and for a moment I actually feel happy until the guilt seeps in.

**I hope you guys enjoyed it! PLEASE let me know what you think and review! It really means a lot. Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay people here you go! I hope you enjoy it! PLEASE READ THE VERY IMPORTANT A/N AT THE BOTTOM!**

**I don't own twilight**

Chapter Three

It's April 18th, this would have been Jasper's twenty-first birthday. It _is_ Rosalie's twenty-first birthday. It's been three years since I've sent her a birthday card, it's been three years since I've even talked to her. As I stand in CVS my gaze lingers on the birthday cards before I make my way toward the stationary section. It is very handy that a CVS is only two blocks from my apartment, it saves cab money. Without paying any attention to where I am going I walk right into someone.

"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry," I apologize quickly before getting a good look at the person.

I gasp, a little too loudly, as I recognize the familiar face. He stands tall with white blonde hair and lively green eyes; Peter. He looks at me for a moment before he shakes his head.

"Damn, it's good to see you girl," he says as he leans down and gives me a big hug. I hug him tightly, and I linger a little too long but he holds me close just as I do. When we pull a part and he gives me a small smile. "How are you doing? I had no idea you were in New York."

"I'm...good, much better than when you last saw me," I attempt to smile. "How about you? I'm here for school, I attend Columbia."

Peter nods and he studies me for a moment before speaking. "I'm doing good. I just keep myself busy, and my girlfriend helps me on my rough days. I'm going to NYU, I transferred here from Texas U last year."

I nod with a small smile. "I'm glad everything is working out for you." I reach around him and grab a notebook, which is what I was here for, then stand almost awkwardly in front of him. It's been years since I've seen him and seeing him just resurfaces a whole lot of stuff, I probably do the same to him. Peter reaches out and touches the toque on my head with a gentle smile before reaching to his neck pulling a black chord necklace from under his shirt.

"I guess we all still have a little piece of him, huh?" he smiles as he shows me Jasper's old homemade bullet necklace with a small red stone attached.

I nod and smile weakly, "He'd probably be mad at me for wearing this but it's one of the comfiest hats I own."

"He'd just look mad," Peter chuckles. "He found it hot."

I blush despite the situation then a tall blonde comes and links her arm through Peter's almost possessively (I would've done the same). "There you are Peter," her voice murmurs sweetly.

"Charlotte," he smiles down at her. It's an adoring gaze, like how Jasper used to look at me. _Just be happy that Peter is happy. He deserves it._ "This is Bella Swan… an old high school friend of mine. Bella this is my Southern Belle Charlotte."

I smile nicely. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too," she smiles softly. She seems really nice. "Are you two catching up?"

"Some thing like that," Peter agrees before grabbing the notebook out of my hand and a pen. I watch him scribble his number on the paper before he hands it back. "We should have dinner sometime, you could bring a friend?"

I nod in agreement. "Yes, we should. It'd be nice to talk to an old friend."

Peter nods and says good bye after giving me another small hug. Before he is completely turned away I reach out and touch his arm. "Do you…" I hesitate. "Do you know how Rosalie's doing?"

Charlotte looks at me like a light bulb went off and her gaze softens even more while Peter answers. "She's doing really well. She's attending Juilliard with her boyfriend. She misses you."

I bite my lip, nodding again. "Good," I stutter. "I'm glad she's doing well. I'll see you around Peter."

Rosalie has been in New York all this time and I had no idea. As I pay for my notebook, I fight the tears that come to my eyes. I have really missed her, but I have missed a lot of people. Seeing Rosalie now would only ruin things, that's what we had agreed after the funeral and after I arrived home in Forks, I never spoke to her again.

**FIRST, sorry for any mistakes I've made I wanted to get this done and posted! :S**

**SECOND! Please check out my Promise series (Make Me a Promise and Promise I Can't Keep)**

**THIRD, for those of you who have known me for a while or who have read any of my stories you know that I had taken a longer hiatus in February of last year with a family death. So anyways I am posting a very personal story that I have had in my head. PLEASE read it but I'm not looking for flames because it is close to me but I feel like since I wrote I might as well put it up. I'm posting under the name February 20th**

**FOURTH! If you are a fan of Wake Up Call, you know that I started the sequel Always Dreaming and never finished. Well good news! I have started a rewrite of Always Dreaming and have that posted as well! It's called Never Wake Me Up.**

**FIFTH! Please check out my website I have the updated music playlists to ALL off my stories and pics. and please check out the other links on my profile.**

**OK I'M DONE! THANK YOU GUYS SOO MUCH FOR READING YOU ARE ALL SOOOO AWESOME. THANK YOU FOR ALL THE SUPPORT I WOULDN'T BE WRITING WITHOUT YOU GUYS! UNTIL NEXT TIME ~CDM**


	4. Chapter 4

**Um.. hi there :) It's SiempreCrystalClear, Can't Decode Me had issues posting from the beautiful Eiffel Tower city.. I hope I am getting this right :S Anyways, she says she is sorry for mistakes she (we) missed since I tried to read this over as well last minute.. and that she hopes you enjoy and thanks for reading :) oh and pleaseeee review! :D because I know how happy she gets when she gets those little reviews! :)**

"Are you sure?" he murmurs to me as we sit out under the stars in Penn's Park. I'm wrapped in his strong arms as we rest on an old comforter with a soft navy blue blanket wrapped around us. We are looking over the little lake/pond that lies tucked away behind a jungle of trees that leads in to a beautiful meadow. This place, although sort of known, just isn't that popular because of the difficulty to get to it.  
>My fingers play with the front of his black t-shirt as I look up into his eyes. I nod slowly, but I know in my heart I have never been so sure about anything in my life as much as this. "Kiss me Jazz. Please, just make everything disappear. Make it you and me forever."<br>My favorite smile appears on his face as he leans in and rests his forehead against mine. "I love you Bella. I always will, no matter what happens. You will have me forever," he whispers to me. I savor the smooth, sweet, loving tone of his voice and the feel of his warm breath against my face. I savor the feel of his hands against my body, holding me, caressing me softly. He is my everything and a perfect heavenly bliss.  
>"I love you," I murmur as I lean in and touch his lips with mine for a shadow of a kiss. "You will always be mine and I will always be yours. It will never be any different."<br>That was the night Jasper and I became one in every way possible. We gave ourselves to each other that cold starry night in Penn's Park by the lake and it was the best night of my life. That was the summer before Junior year for us, we had already been dating since the very start of Freshman year, and it had been our two year anniversary. Jasper knew me better than I did myself and he knew that I didn't need money spent on a nice hotel room, or on a fancy gift (which he had gotten me anyway) or anything else that was cliche and corny. I was simple, still am, and a night in my favorite place with him alone was all I could ever ask for and more.  
>I sit in Starbucks by myself with my laptop open and notebook beside me with Peter's number in it. The curser blinks in Word and nothing follows or precedes but my scribbled handwriting has three titles, each divided by a line, in my notebook.<br>The Homecoming

Beauty from Pain

This Doesn't Hurt  
>By the time my English course ends I need to have started writing a novel with at least the first one hundred and fifty pages completed. I tap my pen on the notebook and stare at each title. Each one of course I have roughly planned out until I actually choose one but no matter what I can't pick one nor can I escape the same main character resembling someone I don't want to think of. He is all that has been in my mind this past week and I feel as though he is haunting me. Ever since I ran in Peter, Jasper has become more relevant in my life again. I can't shake him. Then again I never have.<br>With a sigh I give up. I set my notebook down and turn to my laptop. I type away on the keys the only thing that has been on my mind all day. Penn's Park. I know if course, it maybe raunchy or rather to write about my first time having sex but it's not like I'm going to hand it into my teacher as my novel. I am hypnotized as I write, letting the words, the pain, the happiness and the sadness flow from me into this short piece. Suddenly I hear someone clear their throat.I look up in surprise and see a familiar face that holds worry and recognition across it all at once.  
>"Bella Swan?" Emmett asks gently with a smile.<br>I nod in confirmation with a returning small smile. It is definitely not the same as his. His holds true happiness where as mine is almost forced despite the fact that I am honestly happy to meet him again.  
>"Emmett McCarty," I reply.<br>"Phew," he jokes. "I was debating to whether or not I should bother you. You looked in the zone on your laptop."  
>I shrug with another smile. "You're all good, do you want to take a seat?"<br>Emmett politely excepts my offer and takes a seat across from me. He reminds me of an older brother forced to a tea party with a toddler sister. His body so big and muscular just looks over powering to the dingy chairs and tables at Starbucks. I move my notebook and just sit there quietly, truly unsure of what to say.  
>"You were right about the Water Lilies. It was amazing... All the colours and such. My friend explained it to me a little better to be honest so I could appreciate it more."<br>I smile again, he has a warming presences. "That's great," I say. "It's one of my favorite collections."  
>"So, what are you writing? If you don't mind me asking." Emmett asks quietly.<br>I look down at my hands a little embarrassed before meeting his bright brown eyes. "I'm um trying to figure out a certain piece to write for my final project in my novel class. I haven't quite got the hand of it yet." I explain quietly before I save and close my laptop. "School is starting to get a little annoying though."  
>"Hasn't it always been?" Emmett jokes before taking a sip of his coffee. "I'm majoring in law at NYU... I'm assuming you're an English major of some sort?"<br>I nod slowly. "Yep, i'm majoring in journalism and creative writing at Columbia."  
>It is Emmett's turn to nod. I look down at my watch and realize I am suppose to meet up with Angela in an hour. I quickly apologize to Emmett as I start to pack up my stuff. "Sorry, I completely forgot I had plans with someone. So I have to go."<br>I quickly throw on Jasper's toque, to which Emmett gives me a strange look, and Emmett tells me not to worry about it. As soon as I get up, and I know I have made it awkward, it gets more awkward as Peter approaches the table.  
>"Hey Bella,"Peter says as Emmett says "Hey Pete," at the same time.<br>I clear my throat and reach up to give Peter a big hug. "I swear I planned on calling you tonight Peter. I've just been so busy with school and everything else..."  
>"Don't worry about it Bells. How about dinner tonight? Join Charlotte and I at this new Indian place we found and you can bring a friend if you like."<br>I nod with a smile. "That sounds great. I'll ask Angela. Bye Peter, Emmett."  
>I rush out and focus on meeting an annoyed Angela. She hates when I'm late but it's more because I worry her too much. As soon as I meet Angela's eyes I crash, too many things at once have invaded my mind. Jasper, Emmett, Angela, Jasper, Peter, Jasper...Jasper.<br>"Bella, I need you to promise me that i'm not going to hold you back. Please promise me that you'll move on. I love you so much but it kills me to think I'm killing you too."  
>I cry into Angela, "I can't..."<br>"Isabella Marie, promise me."  
>"Oh Bella," Angela soothes as she hugs me tightly.<p>

**Please Review! Send some love to my bestie :) Thanks for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys heres the next chapter! I'm officially home now so hopefully (if i can get over my block) i'll have these chapter and my stories updated quiet quickly. Hope you enjoy. I missed you guys! thanks SCC for beta-ing :)**

"So how do you know Emmett?" Peter asks casually across the dinner table.

Angela smiled and nudged me playfully, "I dragged her along to see Monet."

"You met Emmett at the Monet exhibit?" Charlotte comments with a smile. "Of all the places in this city."

"Come on now," Peter returns her smile then turns to me. "Emmett must've been with Ali. His little sister is an artist, working in a small little studio on 22nd."

I nod slowly in response. "That's cool. I've only met him twice so I honestly don't know much about him."

"He's great," Charlotte smiles. "I went to high school with him...and Ali and her husband."

"He seems nice," I reply quietly. _I went to high school with… and Ali and her husband._ Why couldn't Angela or Peter ever say that about Jasper and I? Why did he have to leave me, us? We, together, would've been in our third year of college and we would've been together as a couple for seven years. Known each other for twelve.

"Bella?" Angela whispers quietly to me to get my attention.

I look up dazed and smile softly. "Sorry I was just… thinking."

After our food arrives we chat casually about school, work, life (depending on the topic) in attempts to keep things light. As much as I love seeing Peter I can't stand being around him. He was Jasper's best friend and practical brother. I stopped seeing Rose for this exact reason. I appreciate Peter, he was there for me a lot through our long distance, but I can't stand the feeling of my heart break. The hole in my chest aches and longs for his best friend and jealously longs for the love he gives to Charlotte knowing I will never get it from Jasper.

Dinner ends and after arguing with Peter to let us split the bill, we are outside the restaurant trying to hail a cab. While Charlotte uses the restroom inside, Angela slides into the cab and waits for me to get in. I turn to Peter and reach up to hug him closely. I hold him tightly to me with my arms around his neck and I sniffle into his shoulder. Peter's grip tightens around my waist.

"Is it that hard?" he asks, his voice heavy. "that you have to say good bye to me too, like Rose?"

My tears begin to stream down my face into his coat and I nod, my whole body shaking with sobs. "I'm sorry Peter, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be baby girl," Peter soothes. "I understand. He was my brother, it's hard on me too. He wanted us to try though. Right?"

I nod. "He'd be so mad at me if he were here. He probably hates me."

Peter pulls me back so he can look my in the eye. "What are talking about? That's the second time I've heard you say something like that. Jasper loved you Bella, with his whole fucking heart. He could never be mad at you or hate you. It's not physically possible. You were perfect to him."

"He made me promise that I'd move on," I whisper. "But I can't let him go! I just can't…"

I cry into Peter's chest for a moment before I withdraw myself from him. Peter looks down at me, speechless, and goes to say something but I shake my head and get in the cab. Angela holds me all the way home.

I've kept every promise I ever made until now.

He gave me a promise to keep on his deathbed.

And it's a promise I can't keep.

Jasper I'm sorry.

**thank you guys sooo much for reading! it means a lot, i know you guys know that by now. it only takes a second to let me know if you hated it or not so pretty please let me know. please review. I tend to lose inspiration to write when i think no one is reading these... anyways... thanks so much. sorry it was so short. **


	6. Chapter 6

**I couldn't sleep so here you guys go. I hope you enjoy it. Sorry for all the mistakes I missed, I'm kinda half asleep. **

"Bella," Peter breathes as he rises from the table in front of me. I shake my head and rush out the door of Starbucks with my coffee in hand. I hear him follow me and I wish him. _Go away! Peter just leave me alone!_ He grabs my arm tightly to make me face him and my coffee falls to the ground.

"Peter!" I exclaim as I look from him to the coffee stained ground back to him.

"I don't care about that," he murmurs as he steps closer to me. "Bella we need to talk."

I shake my head again. "No. We don't. Peter, please, if you care about me you'll let me go."

"That's exactly why I can't!" Peter says exasperated. "I've been trying to contact you for _two fucking weeks_!"

"And I've been ignoring you for _two fucking weeks_," I mock in anger. "Why can't you leave me alone?"

Peter is so close now that our chests are touching and he reaches forward and takes my face between his hands. "You need to tell me what Jasper said to you, about what you told me after dinner," he whispers. "You need to tell me. Who knows? Does Angela at least know? I want to help you Bella."

I stare up into his blue eyes and move my hands over his. "Of course Angela knows. She knows everything Peter. You can't do anything, there is nothing you can do to make it better. All you do is make it hurt more. One I'll tell ow when I'm ready but now I can't. I can barely make it through the day without thinking of him and crying," I sniffle as tears come down my face. "Peter you need to leave."

I slide Peter's hands off my face and give him one more hug. "Bella just because he told you to let him go doesn't mean you need to forget him."

I shake my head. "Peter please," I beg.

"I love you Bella," Peter whispers. "I don't want to see you hurt any more."

"It's too late for that. You would've been family to me if he had lived, I will always love you Peter, but you need to go. I just can't do it. I never have been able to. This is the best. For both of us."

"Peter?" I hear from behind me in a deep familiar voice.

"Emmett…" Peter trails as he releases me.

I quickly wipe my eyes and turn to face him. Emmett's face is full of surprise as he see me. "Bella?" he asks.

"Hi Emmett…" I attempt to control my voice but it breaks. I shake my head and look at Peter. "Good bye Peter."

As I walk away I hear Emmett explode on Peter. "What the fuck was that Petey?"

Leave it to me to ruin _another_ thing. Jasper why can't you just come back to me? Or why can't I just join you?

Join you.

I can make everything easier and end this all now. I can join Jasper and never have to hurt again. I can be with him for eternity in death. I'm coming Jasper.

**I hope you enjoyed it. Please review and let me know what you think. Thanks for reading. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Here you go! I hope you enjoy it this. Please review! I only got three reviews last chapter and I _know_ more people read it than just three. Thanks SCC for beta-ing. And we are collaborating a new story at the moment and it should be up within the next couple days. It'll be posted under Save Me so keep a look out for that. Thank you all again. **

I met Rosalie first. It was in the fourth grade and Rosalie was the new girl in my class, Jasper was in a different one of course. It was her first show-and-tell and she brought in her violin. Even though we were young she played like an angel from Heaven. Her, then, stubby fingers reached to form chords as her chin nuzzled the instrument into her shoulder. It was the prettiest thing I had ever heard, coming from the prettiest girl I had ever seen.

Now I sit, cozily, in a burgundy seat at a local theatre where Rosalie is playing. I know I shouldn't be here but when I saw her name on a flyer I couldn't stop myself. I had to come to this. I just need to see her one more time. I sit quietly by myself in an aisle seat five rows from the front. It was one of the only seats I could get. As the lights dim my heart races. It scares me to see her, her same coloured blonde hair, the identical blue eyes.

It breaks my heart just to look at her but when she begins to play her music is all that matters. My eyes are shut as I listen to her beautiful piece, the music fills the dull silent room. It breathes life into the audience and makes the cool serious room grow warm and happy.

Through the concert I just enjoy the music and when I know its coming to an end I get ready to leave, but everyone else has had that idea as well. As the curtains close everyone jumps up to leave, rushing to their cabs or private cars. I am stuck behind a cute old couple and once I get around them, I happily race through the lobby to leave but it's too late.

"Bella?" her voice breaks as she calls my name.

I stop and turn to face her. People are kind of staring at us, recognizing Rosalie, but being too polite to spoil something they could tell was important. I pull my coat tightly around me, the spring evenings can still be chilly, and step toward her hesitantly.

"Rosalie," I murmur and after a long silence. "You were great in there. Congratulations."

"What are you doing here?" she whispers with her arms crossed over her chest.

I open my mouth to speak and nothing comes out. I have no explanation that would satisfy her. I shrug with my mouth closed before attempting to speak again.

"I saw a flyer, and I hadn't heard you play in a long time. I don't know why I'm here. I just came. I didn't expect you to see me, or follow me."

"Rose?" I heard a velvety voice murmur. I watch a bronze haired man wrap his arm tightly around her waist and pull her close to him. That's when I notice the engagement ring on her finger. It's beautiful. Her gaze follows mine quickly and almost begins to say something before I cut her off.

"Congratulations again Rosalie. This was stupid of me. I honestly can't believe I did it," I say in a rush. "I'm glad you're happy. I'm sorry that I troubled you. I won't be doing this again."

"Bella, wait!" she calls but it's too late. I'm gone. Not ever coming back. This was a mistake. I can't believe I did it.

"I'm so stupid," I mutter to myself as I hail a cab to take me back home.

When I arrive home Angela is sitting in the kitchen with a coffee in hand. "Are you okay?" she asks instead of greeting me.

I nod slowly before sitting opposite her. "Everything just hurts and no matter what I do I can't make it better."

"I'm sorry Bella. One day, things will get better. You just need to give it more time."

"I've given it three fucking years Angela!" I shout with a tear. "_Three fucking years_! How much longer do I need to give it? _Something_ should feel better by now, but none of it does! If anything, everything is getting worse! I can't do this anymore…"

"What?" Angela asks as she rises from the table to stand in front me.

"I can't do this anymore," I say again. "I can't do any of it."

"Bella, it's been a long day. You're just tired. Let's just go to sleep and talk about this in the morning." Angela whispers with concern.

"Okay," I whisper weakly. Maybe the morning won't come for me. Maybe somehow my life would just end tonight and God could put me out of my misery.

As I'm falling asleep though, I can hear my bedroom door open and two pairs of footsteps file in. I'm too tired to pay any attention. I let the black abyss of sleep take over me, letting the unknown grasp my future.

**I hope you enjoyed it. Please review and let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.**


	8. Save Me

**Hi guys I just put up a new story written with SiempreCrystalClear called Save Me. Please go check it out! We would really appreciate it. I am working on the next chapters and they will be up by the end of this week. Thank you! **

**And I will have another point to address on my next AN when I post so please keep a look out. **

**Thanks again guys! **

**~CDM**


	9. Chapter 8

**Here you guys go! I hope you enjoy it! I'm sorry if has taken me so long to update, I've been all over the place this summer and I just haven't gotten around it updating this story. Please forgive me? Again, I hope you guys enjoy this... **

I wake up to find that I am sandwiched between Peter and Angela. She ratted me out. Again. Instead of being mad or trying to move I just curl into Peter's chest. I know he just wants to care but I don't want him to. Despite being mad at him for not leaving me alone like I want him to, I feel awful about being rude. He deserves much more from me but I can't give it to him. He shifts in his sleep, pulling me a little closer. I think he thinks I'm Charlotte. I raise my head and look at the clock. It's 12:01PM… figures we all slept in. After all it was an emotional night-I think… for some reason I have an image of me waking up yelling and crying…

I tap his arm enough to wake him up, he inhales deeply before stretching. I watch Peter look around the room and realize last night wasn't some awful nightmare. He sighs after looking at me. "What are we going to do with you?"

I shake my head. "Put me out of my misery?"

"Well I could always give you drugs," he attempted to make a joke. Neither of us laughed. "Bella, it's okay to love Jasper still and miss him. And it's okay to move on with your life from him. You can do both."

"Then why can't I get rid of this guilt every time I try to make a step forward?" I whisper.

"You haven't accepted he's gone then," Peter murmurs. "I know you know it, but does your heart know it?"

I remain quiet. I don't want to talk about this. _You need to talk about this,_ a voice tells me. _But it hurts_, I reply.

"All that's left is to accept it, but I don't want to let go. I feel like everything-even me-is slipping away and when I try to move on from him everything gets worse. It's like a storm intruding on a sunny day, but I want the storm to come because then I remember him."

"Pack an umbrella," Peter says. "Bella, I know you don't believe us and find it incredibly hard but every thing is gonna work itself out. The pain doesn't last forever and good can come from this, we just can't see it yet."

_Beauty From Pain,_ I think to myself. That was one of the titles I was working on for my final assignment. Maybe this is what I needed...I hope. I slide out of bed and tell Peter I'm going to Starbucks to do some homework. He doesn't believe me at first. Once I'm cleaned up and ready to go, I pull my cell phone out.

"You can text me every five minutes until I come back here if you want," I tell him, waiting for him to agree to let me be alone.

When Peter did finally agree I manage to get settled in Starbucks, way in the back by the bathrooms in hope no one would bother me. After hours of struggling to write what I wanted to I finally manage to have a good start with thirty pages. It was hard to think this stuff let alone having to write it. I started at the beginning. Almost like a memoir. It painted a picture of my life with him and without him. It faded in and out of good times and bad times like my mind drifts in my daily storms. After two cups of coffee, someone sits down at my table. With a sigh I train my eyes to look at my cup and not at his face.

"You know after what I saw a week ago my whole view of you changed," he says. His voice being the most serious I have ever heard it in the times I've met him. He laughs humorlessly. "I thought you and Peter… you know. I was so mad at both of you, and at myself for thinking about someone like you for so long. But then Peter explained to me you were _the_ Bella, and I hated myself all over again. I was mad at myself for thinking anything bad about you. And now I understand why you blow me off, at least I hope it's why, and I just want to apologize."

"Don't." I tell him. "Don't apologize to me. That's all people have done since my senior year… since he died. That's all I get are apologies, and I can't stand it because even all the sorries in the world can't bring him back and they can't make me miss him any less."

At this point I look up at Emmett and his usually soft goofy face is hard and serious. He leans back in the chair and studies me. It makes me feel self conscious. I don't know what he wants from me and I know that his view is now skewed of me. I close my computer and stare back down at my empty coffee cup.

"Can I buy you a coffee?" he asks suddenly.

I hesitate and bite my lip. "It's just a coffee Bella," he says with a smile playing on his lips. "Unless you want to go to dinner?"

"Are you seriously trying to ask me out after that discussion?" I laugh despite myself-and everything else.

Emmett smiles, his grin lighting up his face the way it always should. "Do you want me to ask you out?"

"Do you have to be such a child?" I ask smiling back.

"It can be a friendly dinner for now, if you want it to be." He says finally, leaning forward on the table.

I nod, fighting any feelings that are screaming to retreat. _Jasper I'm sorry_, my heart whispers as I pack up my things and allow Emmett to accompany me out of Starbucks to wherever he plans to take me on a casual dinner.

**Thank you guys so so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! Please let me know what you think and review! Sorry for any mistakes that I missed. And if you haven't, please check my new story written with SiempreCrystalClear called Save Me :) Thank you guys! **


	10. Sneak Peek

**Hey guys...wow you al must hate me. I promise I haven't left fanfiction, but school started mid august and it has taken over my life! I've had no time to write! I am so so sorry! Please forgive me? Anyways, I'm writing this to say I'm not dead and the WILL be an update soon. So to hold you over here is a a sneak peek of the next chapter to come :)**

Standing on the steps outside my apartment, I play with my keys as Emmett shoves his hands into his pockets.

"I had fun tonight," I smile but I can't tell if it's genuine. "Thanks."

"Yeah, I did too," Emmett smiles-I guess that's what a genuine smile looks like.

I nod and turn to unlock the door then I hear him take a step up. My heart is racing as I turn to face him, his face is closer than expected. It's been two weeks since he first asked me out and we've been doing good. Definitely getting better than how it was at the very start but no matter what I do I just can't get any better. Emmett leans in to kiss me and I almost just to decide to let him but I hear the other door open and I quickly kiss his cheek, saying, "Good night."

Then I'm in the safety of my own apartment, alone.

**sorry guys! Please bear with me!**


	11. Chapter 9 new

**Hey guys sorry it has been so long forgive me. here you go. **

Standing on the steps outside my apartment, I play with my keys as Emmett shoves his hands into his pockets.

"I had fun tonight," I smile but I can't tell if it's genuine. "Thanks."

"Yeah, I did too," Emmett smiles-I guess that's what a genuine smile looks like.

I nod and turn to unlock the door then I hear him take a step up. My heart is racing as I turn to face him, his face is closer than expected. It's been two weeks since he first asked me out and we've been doing good. Definitely getting better than how it was at the very start but no matter what I do I just can't get any better. Emmett leans in to kiss me and I almost just to decide to let him but I hear the other door open and I quickly kiss his cheek, saying, "Good night."

Then I'm in the safety of my own apartment, alone. Angela is out with a few friends from school. I change out of my jeans and cream blouse into massive grey sweats and comfy band tee. I make myself a chamomile tea before retreating to my bedroom where my warm safe blankets await me. I turn on my TV and just flick through channels until I find something semi-entertaining. I don't really watch it as I curl up and fall asleep.

"Darlin, wake up," I hear a voice drawl. "Babe, you can't sleep the day away."

"Watch me," I grumble back, hugging a pillow tightly to my body. Then I realize I said that out loud. I felt my lips move.

A chuckle follows my response and then my eyes shoot open. My heart is racing as I see him sitting next to me on my bed. I sit up quickly and blink several times. There in front of me is my dead boyfriend, smirking at me. "Well that's one way to wake up I guess."

"I'm not awake," I say. "This is a nightmare. _Another one._"

"Ouch, you haven't seen me in three years and that's what I get? I'm a nightmare?" he still looks amused. Oh my god, I've really gone crazy, haven't I?

"No, you're dead. And I dream you're like this and then you get sick again and I wake up alone. That's how they always go."

"Well, I can promise this dream is gonna end a little differently," he smiles as he reaches out for my hand.

It feels so real. His palm is soft and warm like always and his nails are bitten back just enough to perfectly play the guitar. I start taking deep breaths, like I'm hyperventilating but he shakes his head and touches my cheek.

"Bella, calm down. Everything is fine." He says. Nothing is fine. _Wake up, wake up! This is all just a dream. Come on Bella wake up!_

"This is definitely not fine!" I exclaim as I climb out of bed. Then I start pacing in front of my window. "I'm going crazy. I've gone crazy. Am I dying? Is this like my last hallucination before my brain tumor kills me?"

"Bella," he murmurs as he stand up. "Calm down. Now you're not dying, not even close. Maybe you're a little crazy, you're acting like it right now."

He's laughing at me and I glare. "Not funny Jazz. You're dead. I'm still alive, barely but I'm alive. You're dead. You're gone, you're not here. Come on Bella wake up."

He just looks at me, amused. "Are you done yet?"

"Why are you here?" I whisper. "Why am I dreaming this?"

"We need to talk," he sighs.

"Talk?" I repeat. "You're dead, I'm dreaming, and the best thing my imagination can come up with is we need to talk?"

He sighs again and places his hands on my shoulders. "Listen to me Bella, I'll make you a cup of tea and then we can talk okay?"

I collapse into his chest and cry. What else can I do? I can't wake up and he feels so real. I cry into him and he just picks me up bridal style like he used to. He lays us back in bed and strokes my hair like he used to. Like he used to.

"Darlin, I'm sorry," he tells me. "I'm so sorry."

"You're gone," I whisper.

"I know," he says. "and I know this hurts but I really need to talk to you."

I nod. I don't know why I'm going along with this. "Okay."

"Bella you know that I could never hate you right?" he pauses, I think he wants me to answer, so I just nod again. "I could never be mad at you. Ever. I love you so much. I never want you to think that."

I nod.

"I know I made you promise to move on," he starts. "And I know how much that's been hurting you. Bella, I'm gone. The only things you have left of me is memories and a couple trinkets. If I could go back and lock Rose away, I would. I would've made sure you never would've found out."

"That's not fair," I tell him. "I deserved to know and I would've found out eventually anyway."

He sighs heavily. "You can still love me and be happy with someone else. I know you won't forget me, so you don't need to feel guilty when I slip your mind."

"But," he cut me.

"No buts Bella. Be happy, that's all I want for you. It kills me to see you sad like this. Be happy and make friends. I will never hate you Bella, hell I even kind like that guy. He has my stamp of approval."

"How can I just let go?" I ask.

"It'll take some more time but you'll get there. I promise. I should go," he says as he gets out of bed."I love you Bella."

"I love you too Jazz," my voice breaks.

"You have so much to be happy about Bella. Smile, and let everyone see the girl I fell in love with," he pauses in the door way. "Wake up Bella. Don't sleep the day away."

"Wake up Bella!" Angela sings as she opens my curtains. "You have to tell me all about your date last night."

I sit up in bed and look around, everything went back to normal. I pat the spot next to me, looking at Angela.

"I have a lot more to tell you but you'll think I'm nuts."

**Please review and let me know what you think. Thank you so much for reading and putting up with me. Happy New Year! **


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